Revealing The Cloak of Weakness.
The Root Unforgiveness, Shame, Anger and Disappointment.
Introduction
When I was 13 my mother took my two sisters and I on a family holiday to Morocco. When we arrived I was intrigued at the culture and the terrain and couldn’t wait to get to the hotel to see where we were staying. On the drive from the airport I had a view of several 5 star hotels and I foolishly thought that one of them would be our destination for the trip. To my surprise, the taxi driver dropped us off in the grimy alleyways of Marrakesh and said that we were to walk to our hotel from there. My countenance of excitement changed to shock and despair. My mother humorously asked me: “where is your sense of adventure Kaz?” and I answered in a passive aggressive tone: “I left it in Lagos!”. When we arrived at our “hotel” I learnt that we were actually staying at a Riyad - a traditional Moroccan house specifically known for its enclosed garden and courtyard. It was a beautiful surprise in the midst of the gritty city walls. At this point I felt guilt and disgust at my abrasive and entitled behaviour towards my mother. As a 13 year old who didn’t know how to control his emotions, I suppressed my anger instead of simply apologising to my mother and forgiving myself. This was the start of a downward spiral of bursts of anger and frustration that would come throughout that holiday. I remember my mum trying to stop an argument I was having with my sisters while we were sightseeing. She was alarmed when she saw me respond in silent rage with the action of my clenched fists speaking volumes about my emotional state.
I write this short story to illustrate how certain desires become misappropriated without the right understanding. As a kid growing up I didn’t realise that my behaviour was often rooted in a perversion of my masculine nature. For instance, the desire to dominate my sisters and oftentimes, my mother was rooted in a desire for authoritative control. It would have taken the domineering presence of my father on that holiday to help channel that desire to a foundation of humility that eventually manifests through leadership at the right time. Furthermore, my covetous desire for luxury and comfort was sparked by what I saw on TV and what my friends would boast about. Living at a 5 star resort was my expectation without ever being my experience which sparked a subtle sense of resentment when it wasn’t met. Of course my parents never raised me to be a spoiled brat and I wasn’t one either, growing up for the most part. But I couldn’t help some of these desires and I couldn’t understand them either.
The Root Of Unforgiveness
Fast forward to my adult life, I see a lot of men with unhealed trauma that stems from misappropriated desires. Rejection is a wound that cuts deep among many others. Selfish ambition is also a triggering desire that results in severe anger and disappointment when the desire is not met. The world has seen this to be a problem and in an attempt to deal with some of the unhealthy manifestations of these desires, we see a lot of unhelpful solutions being promoted. Young boys are often instructed to be weak but men are expected to be strong. What do you think happens to a young man that has been instructed to navigate the world contrary to what the world expects of him? But no one seems to investigate the source of some of these desires in order to deal with the problems from its roots.
My experience in Morocco taught me that unforgiveness is one of the main root causes of a misappropriated desire. I couldn’t forgive myself for hurting my mum even though she forgave me, and I couldn’t understand why I had a strong desire for control. Especially amongst men, we find it difficult to forgive ourselves when we fall short of our expectations. For instance, every man is born with an innate desire to lead and dominate. We are born with the desire to take on responsibility in order to bring about the specific things that we want. The moment a man “fails” to meet his expectations, it becomes a downward spiral of unforgiveness and disappointment. The common response to disappointment is the cloak of anger that is intended to cover the shame of your weakness.
Revealing The Cloak of Weakness.
The trail of thoughts that eventually manifest into anger will teach you one thing. This has come after several years of introspection and really trying to understand the nature and character of God through his word. What I know now is that your thoughts or feelings can never be trusted. The instance you trust a thought, you believe it to be true. And when the outcome of what you trusted proves to be contrary to what you expected, you are left in sorrow, disappointment, anger and regret. The feelings I felt of disappointment and anger on that holiday came about because I believed that I wasn’t ungrateful and I believed that I wasn’t a control freak. This was until the opportunity presented itself for me to show that I was ungrateful, and I was a control freak; even at that age. All it took was an opportunity to reveal the truth about elements of my character that I would normally deny. Once the truth is revealed, the cloak of suppression comes out. Anger, shame, bitterness, self-righteousness and the list goes on. This is the same for all of us, we trust in our thoughts and we trust in ourselves. Then we fail to forgive ourselves for our lack of reliability in upholding the person or character we claim to be. This is a pattern that can even last a lifetime for many people, but it doesn’t have to be that way.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:5 NKJV
What does it mean to trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding? It means that the Lord has something that we don’t. It means that he has something that we need but don’t have in and of ourselves. It means that his ways are above our ways and his thoughts are above our thoughts. It means that our own understanding is inherently deceitful.
An End To Shame, Disappointment and Anger.
There is an innate desire to want to do good as human beings. There are also deceitful thoughts that tell you that you are good until the wrong opportunity presents itself to expose those thoughts as liars. The truth is that feelings of shame, disappointment and anger are realities that we would all have to deal with more often than not. But there is a truth that still stands despite our feelings or experiences. This truth exists outside of our fallible thoughts and it is anchored on a hope that is eternal. The message of the Gospel doesn’t tell you to trust in yourself. It doesn’t tell you to be unforgiving to yourself and others. It doesn’t tell you that you are good enough to meet your potential and then shame you at every shortcoming you encounter. It tells you that you aren’t, but it presents you with the one who is. This letter was designed to highlight the gap between our desires and our expectations. Within that gap lies fear, anger, disappointment and all the other emotional realities you can think of. Within that gap also lies the reality of truth - that the fulfilment of our identity cannot be found in and of ourselves. There is no longer shame in weakness when you lean on the one who is strong. There no longer exists the burden of an unmet expectation when your burdens can be lifted and carried by God himself. The feeling of unforgiveness towards yourself due to the rotten parts of your character that you never believed existed. These feelings have no validation when you come into agreement with the forgiveness that God has already secured for you through the sacrifice of his son.
Here Are Some Questions For You To Meditate On:
What have I not forgiven myself for?
Is God as unforgiving as I am?
Where does my hope lie if I always fall short of my expectations?
What does God think or say about me?
How does this compare to what I think about myself?
In conclusion, weakness is something that human beings naturally want to cover up themselves. But when strength fails the manifestation of anger, disappointment, and sadness arises. There is nothing more burdensome than going through life trying to maintain the cloak of weakness due to the shame you will have when you are left without it. Trusting in God and what he has done for you produces a different covering that you don’t have to maintain yourself. It restores you from shame to strength in a new but authentic identity.
They cried to You, and were delivered; They trusted in You, and were not ashamed.
Psalms 22:5 NKJV