Winning At All Costs

The Relationship Between Anger, Identity, and Victory.

Introduction

My first love in life was football. My dad introduced me to football and golf from the moment I could walk. Golf was enjoyable but football found a place in my heart that has stayed with me throughout my life. A passionate obsession that even grew to the point of toxicity when things didn’t go my way. From supporting Spurs at club level to supporting Nigeria at international level I found my relationship with football to be an emotional rollercoaster. Experiencing extreme highs to experiencing extreme lows all in the name of a sport that I fell in love with. My playing days also mirrored these feelings. I loved to win and I hated losing to the point that a loss could ruin my mood for a while. I remember my dad coming to watch me play in a cup final. We lost the game but I won man of the match; which made the whole experience bitter sweet. I was being congratulated for my performance from everyone who watched apart from my dad. He simply told me this: “win, lose or draw, you need to control your anger and emotions when playing, and I am more concerned about that than your performance.” My immediate response was one of confusion because all I could think about was my best performance being clouded by a cup-final loss, which in turn justified the anger I displayed on and off the pitch. I managed to impress everyone on that day apart from my dad; he didn’t give a damn about how well I played. He was more concerned about what I displayed within my heart and through my mouth than what I displayed with my feet through my performance.

I learnt so much from playing and loving football. Principles such as excellence, hard work, teamwork and competitiveness. However the one thing I failed to learn was the importance of emotional self control. In football, anger is the justifiable form of defence when something fails to go your way. In the world of football, it is normal to hurl insults at the referees, talk down on your opponents and even talk down to yourself when you perform badly. However every good coach would tell you to govern your emotions at all costs. You can’t win at the cost of your emotions. In life you will lose a lot more than you will win; so if anger is your justified response mechanism, you’re in for an angry life.

Winning & The Male Identity Crisis

If I'm being honest, many men, including myself, use anger as a response to loss. Even outside of the world of sport, anger is the go to response to loss. When you lose in business, you’re angry. When you lose in relationships, you’re angry. I used to wonder why this was the case until I grew to learn that man’s identity is often rooted in winning. The cost of winning is worth more than life itself which in turn leaves an empty void every-time loss occurs. The common response is to fill the void of loss with the easiest method of justification - this takes up the form of anger. For many of us, losing isn’t part of the game of life; but losing is the thief of our identity. The idea of winning at all costs must be redefined so that our emotions don’t become collateral damage to the cost of victory.

Think of it this way:

If winning causes you to relinquish the control of your emotions, then you haven’t won!

Or this way:

Don’t get your definition of victory from a loser!

You can’t be a victor in life if you can’t be a victor over your emotions. Furthermore, losing is an important element of life designed to teach you as opposed to define you. Therefore the response of anger towards defeat of any kind has to be met at the point of your identity. The hardest pill I have had to swallow is to fully accept my identity as a victor in Christ above my identity as a victor in my own eyes. A self defined winner will soon run out of options in the face of continuous defeat. I am growing to learn that anger from defeat is simply a response that can be controlled under a different definition of victory. Many people don’t have anger problems, they have identity problems and anger is simply a symptom of a misguided identity.

Who Defines Winning?

God defines winning and God is also the source of your true identity. In the world we live in, victory is often defined as gain, even if your emotions (more especially anger) have to pay the price. However, God defines victory as the preservation of your soul through him. Your soul is made up of three parts: the human will, the human mind and your emotions. This is the area of your being that can truly make you or break you. In hindsight I can see the underlying reasons why my dad was disappointed after my football match. His intrinsic understanding of love wouldn’t allow him to praise success at the cost of damaging an important component of my soul: which was my emotional self control. On a greater scale this is how God views us and this is how he defines true victory.

For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?

Mark 8:36 NKJV

This verse is often used and understood on the macro-level of eternal preservation, which is ultimate victory! However it can also be understood on the micro-level of everyday wins and loses. A win is not a win if a part of your soul has to pay the price. God will never justify a deteriorating soul for material gain. We have to change our perspective from “winning at all costs” to “winning with your soul”. It is an unconditional truth that I have been forced to accept. This is why the understanding of your identity is so important. If you find your identity in your horoscope, your cultural background or your life experiences, you would probably be able to wear anger (insert other emotional flaws) as a badge of honour. But God doesn’t just call you to a higher standard, he heals you to a higher standard.

Turning Things Around

A renewed understanding of winning and losing usually leads to a renewal of behaviour. If you begin to see losing as an important life component then you will understand that there is value in losing. The value comes in the form of growth, not only for yourself, but for the people around you. The justification of anger as a response to any form of injustice is flawed because you find yourself fighting the lesson as opposed to learning from it. There are certain Ls that only God can turn into Ws. Identify with his ability to do just that and not your identity as a self-defined winner. After all, the Bible tells you to count it all joy when you fall into various trials (James 1:2). It doesn’t say count it all joy only when things go your way. The losses lead to God-reliance. This reliance places a greater value on your soul above anything else. This reliance points to victory even in the midst of defeat. This reliance makes you immune to the disappointment of self-reliance. On a personal level, my greatest challenge has been to accept God’s definition of victory over what I have always known it to be. If you happen to struggle in this area then remember this one thing: the problems and solutions around winning start with your identity. Lastly, please share this with someone who needs to hear it.